i find myself on xanga again. and i was reading through some previous posts. particularly this one from february, which i probably wrote at 2 in the morning.

if i wasn't so desensitized at this time of night, i would have been in complete tears while reading it. it was story. a story about how god has changed my life.

in that period of time, something was different about me. i was more than just janelle in the flesh. the spirit was racing through me. everyday, i felt such a surge of life....and lived out energetically, forgetting my shame, forgetting my sorrows, focusing on the positive. facing who i was in christ. i had a daring confidence, and even an energy. oh, i was a great big ball of energy.

since then i have changed. i haven't been acting like myself this summer in portland.

robbie asked me the other day if i've been dancing.

one thing people at cnu know about me is that i often burst out in random bouts of dance. it seriously can happen at anytime. especially when there's a good song on. especially when the situational context is completely inappropriate for it. when i was telling robbie about some things i was dealing with, he told me that i should just get up and dance, like i do. i paused there for a second over the IM box on my computer, knowing that i hadn't been dancing at all. not like i was. i couldn't even muster up any faked-up energy to try to dance.

i have been much, much, much more reserved here. i have been holding back so much. and not letting go of myself. not feeling the freedom to. not dancing.

i guess that's just what happens when you uproot somewhere else, you lose confidence in who god had been creating you to be.

now, that i'm realizing a lot of things. a lot to unpack in an entry though. my attitude towards people just isn't right. i know i should not focus so much on my damn self, but focus externally on loving people. but at the end of the day, i just focus on self-love.

it's been hard but incredibly good. i am learning a lot about myself that would've been harder to learn in a context of always being around people i know. and i'm growing up. getting past some of my spiritual narcississm. and you know, it's hard to grow up.

i want more of god. i need to know him by my heart and not just by my mind, and so often, it just doesn't seem to connect. i need to let go. let god be god, and i be his daughter.

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

i'm pretty given up on here. i have new blog, that i might or might not use. only for real meaty entries.

http://janelloespo.blogspot.com/

maybe. maybe not.

awhile ago, i made myself a deviant, to post my poems or little "prose". i decided it was about time that i dive more into my creativity. it's been a big focus of my life right now.

http://jelleofthewell.deviantart.com/scraps/

i had a jolly good laugh while reading the prior entry. basically, what was said there about particular guy is obsolete now. for now, i'm focusing on not particularlizing boys, but particularizing god, and maintain good friendships with boys without seeing them as "options"...and also focusing on my female relationships has helped me a whole lately. and i feel so wonderfully blessed to have such amazing love in my life. there's a lie out there: if you're single then you're lonely. i am not lonely at all, in fact, i am so grateful for my single life right now.and i am also grateful that the guy spoken about in the last entry has turned out to be a good solid friend, rather than a love interest.

i went to rockbridge this week. i learned. and learned. and loved. and learned. and loved. good times.

i'm snuggling next to the warmness of my dog right now. man, i have missed her.

i am home, but will be gone in a week, to Portland. oh man. so soon. i am excited. but i know i should focus on the moment, and not try to live in the future.

anyone in nova this week want to hang out, let me know.

dear diary,

it's hitting me. i'm in college. i should be taking my classes seriously. and such like that.

and i don't want to like the boy i like. i like a boy who i've been hanging out, talking to consistently. which is strange. cause that doesn't normally happen with boys i like. but, gosh, i don't even want to like him.and i'm stupid cause it's just that he isn't my type. i know, i know it's dumb to have an ideal "type" and god will laugh at me for it.i've given myself this lecture before. but man, i just get the feeling that the guy i really do fall for won't even be at cnu. i'd just randomly meet him somewhere. it makes too much sense to meet a significant other at the college you go to. i am way too unconventional for that.scruffy, cultured,artsy,goofy-strange and jesus-loving...that's all i'm askin for!!!!

                                                                                              talk to you soon,

                                                                                                             jelly